For too long I would lose myself in that sorrow and self-pity that only the lonely have the misfortune of indulging in, regretting missed opportunities and dwelling on the possibilities of what could have been.
Thinking if only, if only I did things differently, if only I took advantage of the opportunities I had right in front of me.
But my gnawing fear and self-consciousness blinded me. It blinded me to the fact that if I just allowed my true self, my true thoughts, and my true feelings to come through they would enable me to seize these opportunities and capture the moments that I longed for in life.
This feeling of listliss remorse gave me a sort of depressing, self-deprecating comfort as I pondered the possibilities of what could have been and imagined them in my mind's eye. I saw myself with the girl I had always dreamed of being with but never had the courage to talk to.
I saw the wonderful friendships I could have experienced if I had the audacity to break out of the shell that choked all the joy, happiness, and life out of me and replaced it with silent tension, constant worry and anxiety, and ceaseless discomfort.
And then I realized the very act of allowing myself to enter this pitiful, self-destructive state was what prevented my growth. It prevented me from learning from my mistakes and moving forward with this new-found wisdom.
I couldn't see it then, that the lies I told myself were what held me back, that the stories I made up in my head kept me caught in this paralyzing web of awkwardness, fear, and self-loathing. I now understand that these lies that I chose to believe were what disabled me and caused me to miss out on life. And I see that dwelling on these past mistakes in the present is much worse than the mistakes themselves, because it causes me to miss out on what truly matters, this moment.
The past is not reality, it is nothing more than a distant memory that is warped and changed every time it is recalled in order to correlate with a person's current beliefs and state of mind. I cannot change the past, but I can learn a valuable lesson from it and use this lesson to prevent myself from repeating these past mistakes in the present and future. I am no longer blinded by my own fear and self doubt, for I can see the truth, and that the truth alone will set you free.